MINNESOTA: HOME OF THE, UM, CREAMIEST COFFEE IN THE U.S.?

Who doesn’t love to wake up to the smell of coffee? Even if you don’t like the taste of the speed-infused beverage, there is something that gets the juices flowing when someone throws on a fresh pot. Truth be told, I go through coffee phases, taking my consumption of the country’s go-to morning starter to addictive proportions at times, but thanks to a story based out of Minnesota, there is a good chance I may have to once again start weaning off the hot-bean drink.

Apparently Adrian Peterson isn’t the only one making news in the Midwest these days. Last year, John Robert Lind stole some media coverage by confessing (Warning: If you’re ingesting anything, STOP before you finish reading the rest of this sentence) that he ejaculated in his coworker’s coffee and on her desk while on trial for the incident. Lind and his female coworker Pat Maahs must have had different ideas on the definition of “non-dairy creamer,” which lead to the trial in the first place.

What I found almost as disturbing as the act itself was the way in which the Minnesota legal system handled the case. Because of the nature of the crime, prosecutors thought criminal sexual conduct was the most appropriate charge for Lind, but due to a loophole, old Johnny on the trigger was found innocent of the crime. District Court Judge Patrick Diamond explained Lind’s actions did not qualify as criminal sexual conduct because he didn’t ejaculate directly onto his victim, and Minnesota law doesn’t cover indirect bodily fluid contact. Really?

Enter Minnesota Rep. Debra Hilstrom (D-Brooklyn Center), who is in the process of trying to change the law by proposing Minnesota Bill 889, which would make “adulteration by bodily fluid” a misdemeanor, tack on a felony if “a person ingests the adulterated substance” and force felony convicts to register as sex offenders. Something, which it would seem, should have already been an existing law, but as with many of our country’s legal fails, it was never thought of.

And what of Lind? He isn’t out of the woods yet — he was re-charged with indecent exposure and could still face prosecution for his actions, but unless Hilstrom’s bill is turned into a law before the trial, who knows what the outcome (pun not intended) might be?

While we wait to see if the ingestion of semen through office antics will remain legal in the state of Minnesota, let’s check out this list compiled by Huffington Post, of other items it is NOT illegal to ejaculate into with the current laws in place:

Everything left in the fridge overnight
Coffee
Yogurt
Jamba Juice
Salad, egg
Ramen
Soup, cream of mushroom
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Fries, French
Chipotle burrito
Gumbo
Quinoa
Salad, fruit
Salad, potato
Debra’s sandwich (sorry, Deb)
Bagel, everything
Chipotle burrito bowl
Spaghetti with meatballs
Pizza, supreme
Bouillabaisse
Salad, kale
Tea
Cereal, dry
Banana
With April Fools’ Day right around the corner, it is important to note that although Minnesota may not lock you up for grinding your own beans into someone else’s coffee, it is still frowned upon. The fact that this has to be stated to any rational person is nothing short of concerning, but as our society becomes looser with our interpretation of right and wrong, I think I will stick with non-cream based drinks and continue to avoid the Midwest.

Originally published on TheBlot.com.